


gone with a touch of your hand

by spectrespecs



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Developing Relationship, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Time Skip, Pre-Time Skip, flirting via kissing dates and volleyball, sakusa likes ushijima's hands and ushijima's hands ONLY, they are in love your honor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:13:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27481771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spectrespecs/pseuds/spectrespecs
Summary: Sakusa Kiyoomi is falling for Ushijima Wakatoshi, and he doesn't think he knows how to stop.
Relationships: Sakusa Kiyoomi/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 24
Kudos: 125





	gone with a touch of your hand

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 394 changed my life, and I love them.
> 
> Guidebook info dropped while I was writing this, but I didn't really change anything on account of that.
> 
> I owe my life to [Jade](https://twitter.com/tiedbows) who let me drag her back to Haikyuu and then down the Ushisaku path.
> 
> Title from [Ingenue by Atoms for Peace](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DpVfF4U75B8&ab_channel=XLRecordings).

In his second year of middle school, Sakusa Kiyoomi first encounters Ushijima Wakatoshi in a bathroom during the All-Japan Middle School Athletics Tournament. If watching the other boy gently dry his hands on a handkerchief and then fold it, damp side in, to place back in his pocket hadn’t piqued Sakusa’s interest in Ushijima enough, playing against him had. Later that day, Sakusa had faced Ushijima across the volleyball court, and he watched the southpaw perfectly hit back all of Sakusa’s spinning balls.

Sakusa may not have been playing volleyball for long after Komori dragged him into the sport, but this was the most fun he had ever had while playing thus far. Facing down Ushijima made everything suddenly exponentially better—from the feel of the ball against his hand to the bounce in his step as he prepared to move—Sakusa felt alive on the court. There was something about volleyball that had been missing for Sakusa, and he found it in the form of Ushijima looking at him with an ever so rare smile after a well-received serve.

Whichever middle school won that tournament doesn’t even matter to Sakusa because it was the first time he was able to play against Ushijima. Who won the games after, that’s what Sakusa looked forward to now.

Shiratorizawa Middle School and Dosho Middle School played against each other a few more times before Ushijima moved on to Shiratorizawa Academy’s team. Every time Sakusa sees Ushijima across the court, he feels an inexplicable draw to the other player now. Something about seeing him makes Sakusa’s lips lift and put a meaner spin on all his balls. 

Rivalry, that’s what Sakusa assumes this is. A spark lit under him to push harder when playing volleyball so he can beat the one person who has made the sport a little more of a challenge for him. Sakusa isn’t sure when this all morphs into a different feeling that he doesn’t realize immediately. Or maybe it was always there and Sakusa was too young to understand what he was feeling. 

His older siblings put on a movie, some type of romantic thing that Sakusa does not really want to watch but he also doesn’t want to sit alone in his room right now. He can’t hang out with Komori either since his cousin’s family has gone to visit the other side of the family that he is not part of, so Sakusa sits and watches the protagonist of the movie looking longingly at their love interest. 

When the two characters finally get together and kiss, his sisters squeal in delight. Sakusa doesn’t really get the appeal. Kissing seems like something he would very much need to prepare for thoroughly—both his own dental hygiene and that of the person he would be kissing. Who would Sakusa even want to kiss? Maybe Ushijima.

Sakusa had been sitting curled up in a ball on the floor with his arms hugging his legs and his head resting on his knees. The realization that he just thought about kissing the other volleyball player makes his head snap up, and he stares wide-eyed at the screen. Kissing Ushijima? No way. 

“I’m tired,” Sakusa declares as he quickly gets up from the floor and runs towards his room. His siblings vaguely yell at him, but he doesn’t hear. 

Collapsing on his bed, Sakusa lies on his side and then brings all his limbs into himself so he can resume his earlier ball but this time on his side. Does he like Ushijima? They have only exchanged a handful of handshakes and words over the camps and games they’ve had together, all brief because what else are two young boys who barely know each other capable of?

Sakusa Kiyoomi has never left anything unfinished, tackling all challenges head-on, but he doesn’t know if having a crush on Ushijima Wakatoshi is something he will be able to see through until the end. What would the end even be? Asking Ushijima to be his boyfriend? The thought of that makes Sakusa’s cheeks heat as he pulls a pillow to his face. 

The day comes for the last time Sakusa will face Ushijima in middle school. He hopes it’s not the last time he will ever see the other player. Ushijima’s spikes have as mean a spin on them as usual, but Sakusa’s aren’t anything to dismiss either. Sakusa only gets to watch a small bit of Shiratorizawa Middle School’s match against Kitagawa Daiichi, but he keeps his eyes wide, observing the way Ushijima moves on the court—everything is calculated, not one movement unnecessary. One of the most fascinating things Sakusa has noticed in his time being able to witness Ushijima’s playing style is how much control he manages to have over himself at such a young age. Sometimes Sakusa feels like his limbs are seaweed and just flop around on the court.

But Shiratorizawa wins, and so does Dosho, which means their two teams will face each other in the final match of the tournament. Sakusa gazes across the court at Ushijima as the two teams bow before beginning the game. They go three full sets with both teams giving their absolute all, and in the end, Shiratorizawa takes the victory with a nasty spike sent Sakusa’s way by Ushijima. After Sakusa watches the ball fly out of bounds, unable to get control of it after receiving, he turns to look over at Ushijima, who’s smiling, and Sakusa smiles back.

Sakusa doesn’t mind losing to Ushjima because he has fun playing against Ushijima. Facing Ushijima makes Sakusa want to be a better player, work harder, climb higher, do everything he can to always be on the same stage as Ushijima. Komori has noticed the extra drive Sakusa has after they play any type of match against Sakusa and teases him about the little rivalry. Sakusa doesn’t mind the prodding for now. 

When they shake hands under the net at the end of the game, both their palms are sweaty and Sakusa’s arms are still shining red from receiving Ushijima’s serve.

Later, after the awards ceremony, Sakusa sees Ushijima standing by himself in the main lobby of the auditorium, undoubtedly waiting for the rest of his team and coach so they can go home. It feels strange to see the young ace alone after winning the whole tournament, but Sakusa decides to be brave and take advantage of the moment. Slipping away from his team is easy enough. If Komori notices his cousin slinking away, he doesn’t comment on it, assuming the boy will find his way back.

Attempting to be subtle in his approach fails immediately as Sakusa attempts to dodge out of a small group’s way as they walk past him in the opposite direction, and he dives to put distance between himself and the people. The movement catches Ushijima’s eyes, and he perks up a little, watching as Sakusa walks with hands shoved in his pockets with a slight slouch towards him. 

They’ve exchanged a few words here and there at the games and camps that they’ve crossed paths at. The middle school camps usually still pitted them against each other, so it was never more than comments about the good game played or a compliment on a particularly wicked serve. Their only other form of communication has been smiles shared across the net in appreciation for the spin put on a spike or serve directed at the other.

Sakusa likes to believe that’s how the two of them communicate, their own little language that only they understand as the two wielders of the most powerful hits in the middle school volleyball scene.

“Hello,” Ushijima greets Sakusa once he stops in front of him. “You play very well.” Not played well, not about the game, but generally that Sakusa always plays well. 

“Thank you,” Sakusa replies, nervously licking his bottom lip. “You, too, Ushijima-san.”

“I hope we can play each other again when you are in high school,” Ushijima says. “Do you know where you will be going?”

“Itachiyama,” Sakusa replies immediately. “I have one more year at Dosho, but then I plan on going to Itachiyama if I am accepted.”

“You will be,” Ushijima nods. He says it with all the confidence a 14-year-old can. How can he even be so sure?

“Oh, well, thank you,” Sakusa’s hands feel clammy, and he’s convinced his cheeks are turning pink. 

“I look forward to playing many more games against you, Sakusa-kun,” Ushijima tells him. 

“And I’m going to beat you next time,” Sakusa doesn’t know where the words come from. They simply burst out of his mouth as if Sakusa momentarily lost control of his own brain function. 

Ushijima’s eyes go wide for a moment before his features settle back down into something Sakusa can only think to describe as soft. Then, to Sakusa’s surprise, the corners of Ushijima’s mouth rise into a fraction of a smile. “I look forward to it, Sakusa-kun.”

Someone yells Ushijima’s name, and Sakusa watches the other boy, still transfixed by what he said and the smile, turn to see who was calling his name. 

“Do you have to go?” Sakusa blurts out, once again wondering why his brain and mouth appear to simply be doing their own thing and not consulting him.

“Yes, it appears we are leaving. Thank you for the good game, Sakusa-kun. I look forward to seeing you again,” with that Ushijima gives a small bow to Sakusa, who hastily returns it. He watches Ushijima walk back to where the rest of the Shiratorizawa Middle team and coach are waiting.

Sakusa’s fingers twitch, already yearning to get back to practice so he can make good on his declaration to Ushijima.

\---

When Sakusa arrives at the All-Japan Youth Training Camp, Ushijima is standing outside of the National Training Center. Unlike other people their age who would scroll through their phone while having to idly wait around, Ushijima is standing with his arms crossed—likely to attempt blocking some of the winter air—and his eyes fixed on the street leading up to the entrance. When he sees Sakusa, he nods in acknowledgment.

During Sakusa’s final year at Dosho, he never saw Ushjiima in person, just saw some clips of him playing as a first-year with Shiratorizawa as they won in Miyagi to be the prefecture’s representative at Nationals as well as a few of their Nationals matches. When Sakusa entered his first year at Itachiyama, they attended a few camps where Shiratorizawa also participated, so once again, Sakusa was able to play against Ushijima. Their conversations had still been limited to volleyball-related matters, but they had at least been able to get to know each other a little more than they did in middle school.

“Ushijima-san,” Sakusa greets the other wing spiker. 

“Sakusa-kun,” Ushijima greets in return.

“Are you waiting for someone?” Sakusa asks.

“You,” Ushijima replies bluntly, and that takes Sakusa aback.

“Me?” Sakusa raises his eyebrows in surprise. He hasn’t seen the boy in months since the last practice camp they attended together before their respective prefecture qualifier games. 

“Yes,” Ushijima nods. “According to room assignments, we are sharing together. As I’ve been here before, I thought it would be helpful if I showed you around the facility. Congratulations, also, for being invited to the camp. I look forward to seeing how you’ve improved since we last saw each other.”

“That was a few months ago?” Sakusa frowns.

“Yes, and you’re a player who constantly grows. It’s something I admire about you. I know you’ve made improvements since the camp,” Ushijima explains.

Sakusa hopes his mask hides the blush rising on his cheeks, and if not, he hopes to brush it off as the cold. “Oh, well, thank you, Ushijima-san.”

With that, Sakusa follows Ushijima silently as he guides him into the facility and through the halls to where their rooms are. Ushijima’s bags are sitting on the floor in the middle of the room because he had yet to claim either the top or bottom bunk as he felt it would be rude before Sakusa arrived. Naturally, Sakusa asks for the bottom and Ushijima simply places his bag on the top bunk in response. After a quick tour of the practice facility, the rest of the All-Japan Youth Training Camp participants, Komori among them, arrive and their first day starts. Sakusa lets himself get lost in volleyball for their hours of practice.

That evening Sakusa makes it to dinner before Komori, and he sees Ushijima sitting at a table eating by himself. Without a second thought, Sakusa immediately goes over and sits down with him.

“Hello, Sakusa-kun,” Ushijima greets him.

“Ushijima-san,” Sakusa nods pulling out hand sanitizer from a jacket pocket. He already washed his hands several times, but it wouldn’t hurt for one more bit of sanitization. Ushijima watches Sakusa rub the sanitizer into his hands but doesn’t comment. He also doesn’t commend when Sakusa lowers his mask in order to start eating. Ushijima hasn’t actually ever commented on any of Sakusa’s habits related to his hatred of germs, just gone along with them so far. Sakusa appreciates that.

Komori enters the dining area, and Sakusa expects him to join the table. Instead, he takes one look at Sakusa and Ushijima and decides to go sit at the table with the setter from Inarizaki, Miya Atsumu. _Traitor_ Sakusa thinks as his cousin shoots him a quick wave, but maybe he’s doing a favor for Sakusa by leaving him alone with Ushijima.

“Do you want to go sit with your cousin?” Ushijima asks.

Sakusa shakes his head. “No.” He sticks his chopsticks into his bowl of rice with more aggression than he intended to.

“My assumption was correct, by the way,” Ushijima says after swallowing his food. Perfectly mannered, Sakusa thinks, taking his time to carefully chew and eat before speaking.

“About what?” Sakusa asks.

“That you’ve improved even in the few months since we last played each other at the fall camp,” Ushijima states. “You have more control over your spikes now, and your jump serves are also much cleaner.”

Sakusa had noticed those subtle changes in himself but no one else had really mentioned those improvements. Even his coach just nodded and said it seemed like Sakusa had improved quite a bit and moved on to pushing the rest of the team to do their part. It felt good to be told by Ushijima that he was evolving as a player.

It felt good to be _seen_ by Ushijima.

“Thank you, Ushijima-san,” Sakusa flounders for a moment on what else to say, and he thinks about everything he’s noticed by watching footage of Ushijima play. “You’re also a very controlled player.”

“It is thanks to players like you, Sakusa-kun, that I’m able to improve,” Ushijima tells him.

“Me?” Sakusa’s eyebrows scrunch, attempting to understand how he could have had any impact on how Ushijima plays.

Ushijima puts down his chopsticks and takes a sip of water before speaking again. “My father also played volleyball, and when I was young, he told me to join a strong team, meet new people, and encounter new abilities. The team I play for is strong, and you’re one of the people I’ve met who showed me new abilities. You’ve helped me.”

“We’ve always been on opposite sides of the court, though,” Sakusa still frowns.

“True,” Ushijima nods. “But you’re a player I admire…” Ushijima trails off for a moment and turns his head away from Sakusa, which shocks him as the other boy always makes a point to look at whoever he is addressing while speaking. “My admiration for your strength pushed me to play harder and train harder. I look forward to getting to play with you here, too.”

“Oh,” the reaction punched out of Sakusa with surprise. “Thank you,” he adds, unable to think of what else to say.

“There is no need to thank me,” Ushijima shakes his head. “It’s merely the truth.”

“You’ve pushed me to be a better player as well,” Sakusa stumbles over the words, forcing them out of his mouth before he can freeze and lock them away. Ushijima’s eyes go wide as if surprising a player so young and of his caliber wouldn’t motivate those around him—both on this team and his opponents. “After our first game in middle school,” Sakusa goes on to admit. “Your spikes made me want to get better.”

Ushijima continues to stare at Sakusa before slowly lowering the hand holding his chopsticks and setting them on his plate. Sakusa wonders if he maybe shouldn’t have admitted this out loud if he shouldn’t have said anything to Ushijima at all and just greedily took the praise from the other, but then Ushijima finally speaks. “Thank you, Sakusa-kun. I am honored.”

Sakusa blushes and wishes his mask was on to cover his betraying cheeks. “It’s, uh—” Sakusa feels at a loss for how to even carry on but then gets cut off.

“Are you feeling well?” Ushijima frowns. “Your face is turning red.”

“That’s not why it’s turning red,” Sakusa blurts out.

“Oh,” Ushijima’s mouth hangs slightly open with surprise, and Sakusa is both horrified at the admission and pleased at the reaction it’s gotten from Ushijima. “That’s good, then.” He picks his chopsticks back up and immediately shoves some rice into his mouth, and Sakusa hastily does the same. He doesn’t really feel like eating, fearing he’s ventured too close to speaking aloud something he won’t even admit fully to himself.

Sakusa Kiyoomi may have developed a crush on Ushijima Wakatoshi, and every second being near him fills him with the same type of fearful adrenaline of being on one of the roller coasters at Tokyo Disney the one time Sakusa went with Komori.

Later in the week when they’re placed on the same practice team together, there is some grumbling from the other players at the camp about how unfair it is to put the two strongest spikers in attendance on a side together. Sakusa attempts to ignore the comments because this will be the first time he gets to play with Ushijima, but he maintains a stoic face so as to not alert anyone to his bubbling excitement. He hopes that Ushijima is doing the same thing as he takes a drink of water unperturbed. 

The only player perhaps more excited about Sakusa and Ushijima being put on the same practice team is Miya Atsumu as he bounces around on the court babbling about how he won’t know who to toss to between the two. 

“You should not only toss to Sakusa-kun and me, Miya-kun,” Ushijima tells the first-year setter. “We have other capable players as well.”

Sakusa ducks his head to smile and takes a drink of water to attempt to hide his amusement. Ushijima, ever the thoughtful team player, admonishing Atsumu wasn’t on the list of things he hoped to see during this week, but Sakusa hinds himself happy to have been able to experience it.

Their practice team wins, and wins, and wins, and keeps winning a couple more times until they’ve won five sets in a row. The other team appears exhausted, and Sakusa finds himself panting with a smile on his face and hands on his knees as he attempts to regain his breath from the last rally. Both teams managed to keep the ball in the air for quite a while, and the opposing team kept hitting their spikes towards Ushijima and Sakusa, attempting to throw them off. They didn’t succeed as finally Ushijima cleanly received one of their spikes and sent it to Miya, who then perfectly set it for Saksua’s winning hit.

Playing with Ushijima—and, well, the others on his team as well—made Sakusa realize what it would be like to be part of such a strong team. Yes, Itachiyama was a powerhouse and always favored to win Nationals, but this court brought together the players across the country who were at the top and leading their teams to victories. 

There’s also something thrilling for Sakusa about playing with Ushijima instead of against him. Looking over to the side of the court and seeing Ushijima’s gaze focused on the ball’s path between players or watching him expend not one unnecessary movement to crouch slightly in order to receive a ball that will eventually be Sakusa’s to hit make Sakusa’s pulse quicken. Sakusa understands the importance of being part of a team and working with the other players, but Sakusa also finds it difficult to tear his eyes away from Ushijima, and this is now turning into a problem both on and off the court. 

Sakusa also quickly realizes how dangerous it is to be sharing a room with Ushijima when he’s lying on the bottom bunk after practice and Ushijima wanders in after having taken a bath. His clothes are damp from likely pulling them on immediately after getting out of the water, and the Shiratorizawa shirt that Ushijima has on appears to already be getting too small for him with the way it stretches across his back. Quietly, Sakusa watches, as with his back turned to him, Ushijima crouches down to find something in his bag. Too focused on the way he can just barely see through the damp spots of the tight white shirt, Sakusa misses Ushijima pulling out a new shirt to change into. Suddenly, Ushijima rises and pulls off the shirt he’s wearing, and Sakusa is treated to a glorious few seconds of bare skin and smooth muscles before they’re covered by a loose black shirt.

_Is this how I die?_ Sakusa thinks as his heart valiantly attempts to beat out of his chest. 

“Sakusa?” Ushijima’s voice cuts through Sakusa’s plans of demise. “Are you okay? I was asking if you wanted to go to dinner?” At some point, Ushijima turned around and is looking down at Sakusa, who was clearly still gazing over at the other boy.

“Oh, yes,” Sakusa nods. He pushes himself up from the bed in hopes Ushijima didn’t notice the way Sakusa undoubtedly had been looking at him with a different kind of hunger.

And so, for a week, Sakusa becomes a better volleyball player while also falling a little more for Ushijima every second. Sometimes he wonders if there’s a way to put a stop to the feelings because, frankly, being interested in someone was not on the list of things that Sakusa had planned to deal with in high school. He just wanted to go to class and play volleyball, but then Sakusa watches sweat slide down Ushijima’s face and thinks maybe this isn’t too bad.

Sakusa wonders if this is some type of volleyball prison as he wanders the empty halls of the training facility. Everyone has gone to bed after their final full-day of the All-Japan Youth Training Camp, and so Sakusa, who felt restless, took it upon himself to quietly rise from bed, shooting anxious looks to where Ushijima was asleep on the top bunk. Tomorrow afternoon, all of them will leave, heading back to their respective homes across the country until they see each other at Nationals soon after. Sakusa has spent a week with the top players in Japan, and he’s definitely better for it.

Also incredibly importantly, Sakusa has spent a week in Ushijima’s company. They’ve been able to play on the same team and against each other during practice matches. Ushijima took the time to talk to Sakusa about techniques and ways that both of them could better their respective playing styles. The two have even sat together at every meal, sometimes in companionable silences and other times still going off about volleyball together, and in between, they’ve even managed to talk a little about themselves. Sakusa now knows that Ushijima’s father is overseas as a volleyball trainer, and now Ushijima knows that Sakusa’s cousin dragged him into playing the sport. It’s not much, but it’s something. It’s enough that Sakusa feels they’re comfortable friends now. 

This is also devastating to Sakusa because at first, his crush had felt like something simple he could enjoy in theory. He was not close to Ushijima, he did not see him often, but now after being in close proximity during practice, meals, and at night when Ushijima climbed into the top bunk, well, it crumbled Sakusa inside a bit. He doesn’t think he can ever go back to simply looking and knowing Ushijima at a distance. Sakusa wants to carve himself into Ushijima’s life somehow, and if it’s as a friend, well, he’ll take it. Sakusa will take whatever he can.

“Sakusa-kun?” he freezes at the sound of his name, spoken quietly by a voice he’s gotten to know all too well. Sakusa turns his head slowly to see Ushijima looking slightly sleep rumpled, still in the clothes he was wearing to bed but with his Shiratorizawa jacket pulled over. 

“Ushijima-san, why are you awake?” Sakusa asks as if Ushijima doesn’t have every right to ask that very question as well.

“I woke up to use the restroom, but when you were not there or in our room. I worried and came to look for you,” Ushijima explains. “Are you feeling unwell?”

Sakusa shakes his head. “No, sorry to worry you, I just wanted to walk.”

“Do you mind if I join you?” Ushijima asks. Sakusa's eyes go wide as he expected the other boy to return to their room once he had an answer.

“Sure, if you would like,” Sakusa tries to shrug with indifference, but he craves the extra time with Ushijima.

“I would,” Ushijima takes a few steps so he stands next to Sakusa. “Please, lead the way.”

“Oh, I wasn’t going anywhere in particular,” Sakusa tells him.

“I know, but this was your walk, and I’m happy to follow.”

“Okay.”

So they walk. They go in circles, Sakusa has no direction in mind, he just keeps them away from the hall that leads back to the dorm area because he doesn’t want Ushijima to see the option to go back to the relative comfort of their beds to sleep. Neither of them speaks, simply taking in the national facility in the dark of night with the company of the other. Their hands brush a few times as they sway close to each other, and every slight touch of the back of Ushijima’s hand to Sakusa’s makes him want to yank his hand away as if shocked. It’s not an aversion to touch with Ushijima but more the overwhelming feeling of simply being that close to him in such a casual manner that makes Sakusa want to throw his arms around him. But he doesn’t. He allows the hand on Ushijima’s side to remain out of his jacket pocket and indulge in the occasional graze.

Ushijima never moves his hand either.

“Do you want to head back to our room?” Ushijima eventually breaks the silence to ask. “We do need our rest before the final day of practice.” Sakusa hesitates to reply. “You don’t want to?” 

Sakusa shrugs. “No, we can go.”

“Sakusa-kun, we don’t have to go back yet, but it would be in our best interests to do so,” Ushijima explains with level logic that Sakusa finds a difficult time locating fault in.

“Okay,” Sakusa finally nods.

“You don’t want to go?” Ushijima tilts his head in repeating the question.

“I like spending time with you,” Sakusa blurts, and he’s unsure where the confession came from. 

“I do, too,” Ushijima responds, and it makes Sakusa stop walking suddenly. Ushijima stops as well. “I like spending time with you as well.”

“You do?” Sakusa turns to look at Shiratorizawa’s ace.

Ushijima nods and then looks away from Sakusa. “I like spending time with my teammates at school and practice, but it’s different with you.”

“Different?”

Ushijima grunts. “In a good way, I should explain. You understand silence can be company between people, too.”

Sakusa lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “Yes.”

“Sakusa-kun, you may call me Wakatoshi if you wish.”

“Okay, Wakatoshi-kun,” Sakusa’s heart feels like it could burst right now. He wonders if he should see if the medic also stays in the building during the camp. “You can call me Kiyoomi.”

“Thank you, Kiyoomi-kun,” and even though they’re standing in a dark hallway with the faint glow through a window of the lights outside, Sakusa can see the smallest hint of a smile on Ushijima’s face. 

“May I ask you something of personal nature?” Ushijima’s tongue briefly darts out to lick his bottom lip. Sakusa wonders if he did so consciously.

“Yes, Wakatoshi-kun,” Sakusa already adores being able to use his given name.

“Have you ever wanted to kiss someone?” 

The words feel like the air of a hard spiked ball rushing past Sakusa’s head. “What?” 

“My teammates, they make comments at school about the people they are interested in romantically and kissing them. I’ve never felt that way but supported them,” Ushijima explains. “But, I think I do understand them now.”

“Oh,” Sakusa hates the way his voice shakes. “Who do you want to kiss?” Sakusa asks, fearing for the answer.

“You, Kiyoomi-kun,” hearing his given name in Ushjima’s deep voice along with the answer steals Sakusa’s breath. They really should look for the medic right now, Sakusa is possibly about to pass away.

“That’s...that’s good then,” Sakusa manages to find control of his brain to give some form of a response.

“It is?”

“Because I would like to kiss you, too.”

“Oh,” this time it’s Ushijima’s voice that wavers, and it makes Sakusa’s laboring to beat heart soar.

Ushijima takes the steps needed to close the distance between the two. They’re very much in each other’s space. This is more than Sakusa allows from anyone outside of family, and if it were anyone but Ushijima, Sakusa would have run by now, far away, as far as possible, from this type of closeness. 

“You’re very beautiful,” Ushijima whispers. He’s barely taller than Sakusa. Ushijima’s eyes are brightly intense in the dark with all their focus on Sakusa, who is unable to look anywhere but back into Ushijima’s unwavering gaze.

“Oh,” Sakusa’s brain once again only remembers that single word of exclamation as Ushijima’s face hovers closer. Sakusa belatedly registers that he still has a mask on and that he should move it down, but Ushijima doesn’t see it as a deterrent at all and places a small kiss on Sakusa’s lips over the mask. The kiss is chaste as it is but the layer of cloth between them should make it feel even more innocent, yet it lights a fire within Sakusa. It makes him want more, and what the more is he doesn’t even know for sure.

Ushijima pulls back, his eyelids flutter slightly. “I hope that was okay,” his voice is quiet.

“Wakatoshi-kun,” Sakusa breathes out. “Please, take off my mask.”

The sound of the deep inhale Ushjima makes at the words feels deafening in the near-silence of this secluded dark hallway that is now theirs, but he raises a hand gently to catch the loop of the mask around one of Sakusa’s ears. His finger grazes against the skin of Sakusa’s cheek, and Sakusa can’t help but lean into the touch a little bit. Ushijima’s finger slides along the elastic and tugs it free from where it catches around Sakusa’s ear before letting it fall. Sakusa then takes the mask off the rest of the way himself before folding it to place inside his pocket. Once the mask is out of the way, Sakusa tentatively puts a hand around the back of Ushijima’s neck and feels the soft hair at the nape. 

Ushijima's hand had been hovering by Sakusa’s face still, and now he allows it to move forward to cup Sakusa’s jaw. But, he stops short. At first, Sakusa is confused as to why, but then he realizes that Ushijima is waiting for permission—to be allowed to touch Sakusa in such a way. Sakusa nods, and then feels the rough but warm hand on his face. 

This time Sakusa moves forward first, getting his lips on Ushijima’s properly. They’re slightly chapped due to the cold weather outside but wet from how Ushijima kept licking them. For Sakusa, it’s perfect, and he hopes Ushijima feels the same way.

Eventually, they pull closer to each other, managing to leave barely any space between their bodies while letting hands gently roam with nervousness that comes from being unsure of themselves and if the other is enjoying it. Sakusa tries to make little sounds that convey that yes he likes it when Ushijima’s broad hand grips his side above his hip and gives a small squeeze at the same time he licks Sakusa’s lips. 

Sakusa does not know how long they stand there kissing, but Ushijima moves away first while Sakusa barely stops himself from following his mouth as it moves away. “We should return,” Ushijima whispers. 

“Oh,” Sakusa feels dazed. “Okay.”

They take a few minutes to calm themselves as much as possible before starting the quick walk back to the dorm area, and they lapse back into their comfortable silence. Sakusa pulls his mask back on, and this time when their hands brush briefly as they walk, Sakusa catches Ushijima’s pinkie with his own and twines them together gently. Darting his eyes to the side to see if Ushijima has reacted in any way, Sakusa is pleased to see a quirk at one side of Ushijima’s mouth that could almost be classified as a smile. Sakusa wonders if he’s blushing and the darkness is hiding it.

The two go back to sleep in their bunks, wake for their final day at camp, sit together at breakfast, and go through all the usual motions they have for the past week. Sakusa wants to say something to Ushijima or at least talk about what happened during the night. 

Ushijima shyly asks for Sakusa’s contact information and places a kiss on his forehead where his moles are. Sakus enters his information into Ushijima’s phone—there’s a little volleyball charm hanging off it that Ushijima’s father gave him—and then Sakusa tugs him down for more last proper kiss before they part.

\---

Sakusa and Komori are sitting on the floor of Komori’s room with a laptop between them as they watch clips from the Shiratorizawa versus Aoba Johsai game that provided the former team a ticket to the national tournament. Ushijima hits a powerful jump serve at the other team that spins wickedly and cleanly lands close enough to the line that Aoba Johsai thought would be out, but Ushijima’s precision meant it was in. 

“Go back,” Sakusa demands of Komori while leaning forward. He wants to watch Ushijima’s controlled form serve again. 

“Okay,” Komori hits the buttons to rewind it. 

Sakusa drinks in the sight of Ushijima’s throw and quick run before jumping. His eyes follow the line of Ushijima’s arm as he hits the ball, and then the serve is over quickly. 

“Again,” Sakusa demands. 

Komori scoffs. “You can jump serve as good as him.”

“I just want to watch it again,” Sakusa grumbles. 

This time, Sakusa takes a moment to appreciate the lines of Ushijima’s muscles as he moves. Thinks of the way that hand that gives an unforgiving hit to the ball held Sakusa’s face with such tenderness it had almost made him cry. 

When Sakusa tells Komori to rewind it one more time, his cousin rolls his eyes. “It’s not like Ushiwaka isn’t going to serve again. He got a service ace.”

“I know that,” Sakusa snaps back. 

“If I didn’t know better, I’d think you _like_ Ushijima,” Komori taunts. 

Sakusa’s ears heat. “He’s a friend.”

“You know you can tell me anything, right, Kiyoomi?” Komori means well, and Sakusa knows he could tell his cousin about what the Shiratorizawa ace truly means to him. But right now their little bubble together is theirs to Sakusa and he isn’t ready to let anyone else in just yet. 

\---

When Itachiyama steps into the stadium, Sakusa’s eyes dart everywhere, seeking out purple and white. His teammates assume it’s because he’s surrounded by so many people and his crowd-hating tendencies are trying to keep as much distance between himself and any other human. Sakusa lets them believe that as he keeps trying to find any sign of Shiratorizawa in the area where all the teams are gathering. 

“Looking for Ushijima-san?” Komori teases quietly with a jab of his elbow to Sakusa’s side. His cousin is the only one who is ever allowed to do such a thing.

“Shut up,” Sakusa snaps back.

The fact Komori realized what Sakusa’s immediate motives were so fast darkened his mood and also makes him refuse to pull out his phone to check if Ushijima sent him any messages. 

The messages they’ve sent since going their separate ways after All-Japan Youth haven’t been particularly, well, revelatory, Sakusa supposes, at what the state of their relationship is now. Mostly Sakusa thrills when he sees that Ushijima calls him “Kiyoomi-kun.” Their conversations are short and filled with statements about how much they’re looking forward to Nationals and seeing each other. The words _I miss you_ are never said, and Sakusa feels like maybe that’s too heavy for two boys in high school.

Both Itachyiama and Shiratorizawa have been seeded to the second day of matches, but Sakusa knows that Ushijima should be here today for the opening ceremony. Both of their team’s coaches are even letting the players stay to watch a match before going to their practice arenas. 

It’s not until all the schools are lining up for the ceremony that Sakusa first manages to see Ushijima. He’s standing dutifully behind the third years of Shiratorizawa. He looks good, Sakusa thinks, even though the logical part of his brain knows it’s only been a few weeks since they saw each other last so how could Ushijima even look any different? Maybe it’s one of those sayings that Sakusa has learned in his English class—absence makes the heart grow fonder, or whatever. Not seeing Ushijima for those days has made Sakusa desperate to lay eyes on him again, and when his gaze can finally sweep down the boy, well, Sakusa feels a new appreciation.

The opening ceremony and the slight chaos after lull Sakusa into a false sense of security that maybe he’ll have to wait to meet up with Ushijima or maybe not even be able to see him at all unless the two face each other on opposite sides of the court, but just as he finally gives in to pull out his phone and check for a message, there’s a voice behind him that could only belong to one person.

“Hello, Kiyoomi-kun,” Ushijima greets, and Sakusa whips around.

“Hi, Wakatoshi-kun,” Sakusa replies. Ushijima has a few centimeters on Sakusa right now, so they’re almost looking at each other directly in the eyes. Sakusa supposes by the time he’s out of high school the two of them will be close if not exactly the same height. That thought is appealing to Sakusa. 

“Wakatoshi-kun?” Sakusa hears one of his Itachiyama teammates whisper in confusion, and Sakusa chooses to ignore it. He didn’t really divulge too much about what happened at the camp, unlike Komori who was happy to answer every question that came his way. But this—Ushijima and Sakusa being Wakatoshi and Kiyoomi was still just theirs. 

“Would you like to watch a bit of the matches with me?” Ushijima asks. 

“Yes,” he provides his answer a little breathlessly while nodding.

“Good,” Ushijima gives one of his subtle smiles that appear to be reserved solely for Sakusa. “Is it okay to leave your team?” he asks as an afterthought.

“Oh, yes,” Sakusa nods, and without thinking of anything other than getting as far away from his teammates and cousin, Sakusa grabs Ushijima’s wrist and drags him away from them towards any entrance to the court seats. He has no game in mind, just that he wants to be far from the eyes of Itachiyama and be with Ushijima.

Sakusa vaguely hears the surprised sound Ushijima makes at the way he’s so quickly pulled away, and it pleases Sakusa just a little bit.

“Kiyoomi-kun,” Ushijima saying his name will never get old. “We can watch from the side of the court if you would like to be closer.” Ushijima points to one of the entrances to the court observation areas that were allowed to be accessed by players. The part of Sakusa’s brain that was obsessed with volleyball greatly liked this idea, and without further thought, Sakusa simply nods and continues to pull Ushijima towards the court.

Eventually, Sakusa did have to relinquish his light hold on the sleeve of Ushijima’s jacket so they could stand next to each other and watch one of the matches in front of them.

“Wakatoshi-kun, how did you get so good?”

“By practicing a lot.”

Sakusa rolls his eyes out of fondness. “Besides that.”

On the side of the court at Nationals, Sakusa listens to Ushijima tell him about his father preserved Ushijima’s _gift_ of being left-handed. Both of their eyes are on the game in front of them as Ushijima speaks, but Sakusa takes a glance over at the other boy and his usually stoic face has a softness to it, as though talking about his past with the sport and his father unravels the seemingly impenetrable facade of Ushijima Wakatoshi. Sakusa hopes he can do the same for him one day.

When they have to part, Ushijima puts a hand on Sakusa’s shoulder and gives a firm squeeze. It’s a friendly gesture of camaraderie to anyone who would be looking over, and when Ushijima’s thumb briefly moves to stroke at one of Sakusa’s stray curls before falling back down, any eyes on them would have missed it in a blink. But not Sakusa. No, the small gesture left something burning inside him. Something in him that made him reckless to yank Ushijima down by the collar of his jacket to kiss him. 

Sakusa doesn't, though, and suffices when later the next day after scoring the game-winning point to carry Itachiyama to the following day of matches, he looks to the side of the court and sees Ushijima standing with his arms crossed and eyes glued to Sakusa. 

If Sakusa had to give a name to the expression on his face, it would be hunger. And Sakusa has seen forms of this when Ushijima is on the court playing—a hunger to hit harder and win. But this? This was something new with Sakusa as the recipient of Ushijima’s full attention. It made Sakusa shake inside.

\---

Iizuna left a copy of the latest issue of Volleyball Monthly in the club room. Sakusa wanted to try and get to it before the rest of the team's hands had a chance to, so he managed to be the first person to get to the room before practice. It wasn't for some vanity reason that Sakusa sought it out—he had heard that he was featured in it as one of the country's top-three aces. No, there was something else that he wanted to see in it.

The table of contents told Sakusa where he needed to look, and he flipped through the pages quickly in order to find the feature.

_Japan's Top Three High School Aces_

There's a small intro paragraph about the three aces, and Sakusa's name is listed next to Ushijima's. There's something about seeing their names next to each other in print like that that makes Sakusa's heart skip a beat. Sakusa likes the way their names look together. Unconsciously, he lifts a hand to run one finger across the page where their names are, gliding along over the characters. It's when his finger is about to sweep back across that Sakusa processes what he's doing, and he jolts back as if the print had burned him. Instead of slamming the magazine shut and throwing it into a corner like part of his brain is screaming at him to do, Sakusa turns the page.

Kiryu is there. There's a picture of him receiving a ball along with what Sakusa is sure happens to be a very nice write-up about Azuma's third-year outside hitter. He's a good player, but this isn't why Sakusa wanted to find this part of the magazine so another page gets flipped.

Ushijima rises mid-jump in his picture, one hand pulled back ready to slam a ball back onto the other side of the court. This is an angle that Sakusa only rarely gets to see of Ushijima, and it's a shame because he's always had beautiful form. There's also a small picture of Ushijima in his Youth World Championship jacket with a small frown on his face. He looks powerful, Sakusa thinks as he drinks in the sight of the other boy. It's been months since they've seen each other at Nationals, which means it's been ages since Sakusa pulled their mouths together at All-Japan. Ushijima is a third-year now and Sakusa is a second-year. The next time they’ll see each other will likely be Nationals, months away, so it will just be their phones linking them until then.

Sakusa needs to take everything he can get right now, which means gripping this magazine tightly in hands he will later go wash over and over as if somehow Ushijima has tainted him through the pages with all the ways he makes Sakusa's skin itch with a need he's never felt before—the way Ushijima makes Sakusa feels like he has a fever that can only be quelled with another touch of his large hand against Sakusa's cheek.

Sakusa once tried to hate him for being such a good volleyball player, for being so stoic, for being the one person who's managed to chip away unknowingly at Sakusa's barriers and crawl into his heart, but it's impossible. Sakusa Kiyoomi loves Ushijima Wakatoshi, and he doesn't think he knows how to stop.

\---

Sakusa dreams. As any person does, he has dreams about things he fears, like being stuck in an unclean room with no means to escape, or things he hopes for, like playing a particularly good volleyball game. Sakusa hasn’t dreamed like this before. This is new.

They’re sitting on Sakusa’s bed, and they’re kissing. This isn’t the kissing they did when they were together at the Under-19 camp, no, that had been something tentative and soft with Wakatoshi-kun whispering questions to make sure Sakusa felt alright with what was going on as they stood next to each other in the middle of the hallway. 

In this dream, Wakatoshi and he are kissing like their lives perhaps depend on it. They kiss with longing as Sakusa grips Ushijima’s hair, fingers digging into the short locks, as he angles the southpaw’s head whichever way he wants in order to better kiss and lick his mouth. In this dream, Sakusa moans when Ushijima runs his tongue along the top of Sakusa’s mouth and squeezes his side above his hip at the same time. This all makes Sakusa squirm on Ushijima’s lap and press forward more until he can feel that Ushijima is as hard as he is. 

Because it’s a dream, beautiful things happen like skipping the part where they pull off clothes in a rush, and instead, they’re both suddenly shirtless. Sakusa can glide his hands across all the newly revealed skin of Ushijima’s toned body, skin that Sakusa has had the pleasure of seeing one time at the All-Japan Camp. Sakusa’s subconscious assumes that Ushijima has well-defined muscles _everywhere_ that make Sakusa whine just to feel. 

Before Sakusa knows it, in the dream they’re both naked. Sakusa realizes they’re sitting on his bed—the very one he’s currently asleep on—when Ushijima wraps a hand around both of them, hard and leaking, and Sakusa cries out Ushijima’s given name at the feeling. 

“Kiyoomi-kun,” Ushijima repeats over and over, and each syllable shakes Sakusa apart even more than the feeling of them grinding together as Ushijima’s strokes quicken. 

Sakusa hopes that if this were to ever happen in reality it would last longer than this because Sakusa comes with _Wakatoshi_ moaned out. He swears he hears a moan of his name as well from the other boy, but he doesn’t get to dwell on it as he wakes up from the dream at that moment and feels the distinct discomfort in his pants of having come inside them. It’s less than ideal. Sakusa feels disgusting and now has to think about the excuse he’ll give his parents for getting up to shower in the middle of the night. 

\---

Sakusa goes to the All-Japan camp and then to the National Tournament, but Ushijima isn’t there for either. The other ace’s absence from All-Japan was a given as everyone knew he would be chosen for Youth World, but Shiratorizawa not being at Nationals had crushed Sakusa in the same way he knew it had Ushijima. And if Sakusa had been a bit hostile to the Karasuno setter at All-Japan, well, he really didn’t care. He knows that there’s more to his second year of high school and playing volleyball than Ushijima’s presence at either, but it doesn’t feel that way when he’s sitting on the bus after Itachiyama loses in the quarter-finals. 

Iizuna went with one of their managers to the hospital to make sure his injury wasn’t anything worse than it appeared to the medical team helping at Nationals, and now the rest of the team sits in silence on the bus that will take them back to the hotel they were staying at to be close to the stadium. Sakusa hadn’t meant to snap at the people making pitying remarks about Karasuno, but he knew that others were probably saying the same about Itachiyama.

His phone vibrates in his jacket pocket, and Sakusa unconsciously pulls it out, as if his body no longer needs to be directed to move by his brain. 

_You played very well_

Ushijima’s message is short and simple, and Sakusa would expect nothing else from the other ace. 

_I am sorry I was not there_

The next message comes in as Sakusa is still staring at the first. It feels like an unwritten _for you_ belongs at the end. 

\---

Sakusa has admirers. Girls and boys at Itachiyama who find his delicate features beautiful and want to put their hands in his curly hair. They see the twin moles on his forehead and think about how cute it would be to kiss him right there. The rest of the volleyball team teases him about it endlessly since they don’t understand why anyone would be after someone so quiet and cautious, but those two traits didn’t appear to hinder his popularity in any way.

On Valentine’s Day, Sakusa politely declines confessions and attempts to reject gifts of chocolate all day, exhausted by the end and annoyed at the fact he still somehow had a significant amount of candy forced upon him by all the hopeful romantic partners he turned down. He walks into the volleyball club room with a bag full of treats and thumps it down onto a bench with more aggravation than he had intended to do.

“Oh, look at Mr. Popular!”

“Heartthrob Sakusa!”

His teammates start in on the jokes immediately, as if they’re not all popular in the school as well and have their own shares of gifts and confessions from the day. The difference is the rest of them were more likely to accept them.

“Sakusa, did you reject everyone again? Maybe having a partner would be nice for you?” one of his teammates so helpfully gives his advice.

“I don’t want to,” Sakusa grumbles. “And you can all take these. I don’t want them.”

“Ehh, none of it?” one of the middle blockers exclaims.

“No,” Sakusa turns away to pull out his practice clothes from a locker. 

Komori comes to save Sakusa. “Don’t gang up on him and deal with your own gifts and confessions from the day,” he tells the team. “Maybe Sakusa has his eye on someone who wasn’t able to do anything for him today.”

Sakusa maybe hates his cousin a little bit. The words make all hell break loose in the club room for a few moments until Komori yells at everyone to calm down and it was a joke that didn’t mean anything. If Sakusa hits the ball harder and puts a meaner spin on all of them during practice, well, who can blame him?

The problem is that Ushijima and Sakusa haven’t talked about themselves, about what they are. All they have is a handful of stolen moments and some kisses. Logically, Sakusa knows that Ushijima likes him and would possibly be interested in a relationship with him, but the part of Sakusa’s brain trying to be a pessimist and not place too much thought into it reminds him that Ushijima also has plans at the world stage for himself. It would also be a lie to say that Sakusa doesn’t dream about the same for himself. 

Sakusa already knows that Ushijima will be going pro as soon as he graduates and leaves Shiratorizawa behind him. Frankly, everyone probably knows that is what’s going to happen, but Sakusa knows this for sure because last week Ushijima sent him a message saying that he’d already been approached by V-League teams. 

In a few months, Sakusa will be in his third year of high school trying to take his team to the National Tournament again and Ushijima will be playing professionally and breaking out into the world stage. Sakusa hopes to be following right behind him, but it also feels like Ushijima is running ahead in a way Sakusa cannot keep up with.

\---

Ushijima joins the Schweiden Adlers in Tokyo, and at first, Sakusa had been elated at the news when he saw the message one day after school from his—well, he still didn’t know what they were. They would at least be in the same city, then, and maybe actually able to see each other. It turns out a professional player’s first year in the league and a high schooler in his third year practicing for nationals don’t have tons of free time that allows them to see each other. But they manage to find one single shining day that year where Ushijima doesn’t have practice with the Adlers or any other of the events that the team gets roped into, and it happens to be a weekend so Sakusa doesn’t have to deal with school as long as he spends the night before frantically finishing the bulk of his homework.

They decide on a coffee shop—well, Sakusa decides on a coffee shop. It’s one closer to where Sakusa lives in Tokyo than where Ushijima is, but that might be because Sakusa doesn’t fancy spending too much time on the train. Ushijima would also do anything for Sakusa, so he easily agrees to what will be a little over an hour on the train for him. 

Sakusa arrives early in order to scope out the cafe. He’s familiar with it because of its large size and well-spaced table. Also, it’s always impeccably clean. He goes ahead and buys a tea before going to a corner table and taking a seat that has a clear view of the door so Sakusa won’t miss the moment that Ushijima walks in. 

Pulling his hands into the sleeves of his jacket, Sakusa cups his hands around the tea in order to gain some of the warmth from it. The weather is only slightly chilly outside, and Sakusa wonders if his hands feeling cold are the result of nerves. Sakusa doesn’t know why he’s nervous—he supposes it has been a while since the two have been together, but it’s just Ushijima—

Ushijima who Sakusa is definitely in love with, he thinks, as the very man walks into the coffee shops and spots the third year huddled in the corner table. He raises a hand in greeting before walking over. Sakusa stands hastily to greet him.

“It’s good to see you, Kiyoomi-kun,” Ushijima says when he reaches the table, and there’s a tiny smile on his face when he speaks. 

“You, too, Wakatoshi-kun,” Sakusa replies, his lips quirking up under the mask.

“Have you already ordered something?” Ushijima asks.

Sakusa gestures down to his cup. “Just tea.”

“Then I will get you something else,” Ushijima nods and then turns on his heels towards the counter to place an order, leaving Sakusa standing there feeling dazed. Seeing the other man made Sakusa’s pulse race, and he wanted to collapse into that chest a little bit.

While Ushijima orders, Sakusa sits back down and watches the now professional player. He’s not wearing anything particularly exciting—sneakers, jeans, his Adlers jacket with a black shirt under—but it all looks good on Ushijima. Sakusa wonders again if it’s another of those “absence makes the heart grow fonder” moments. He is rather fond of Ushijima. Ushijima has only been with the Adlers for a short time, but he’s already taken part in some press conferences that have blessed Sakusa with the sight of what the man looks like when he wears a suit, and Sakusa hopes he can see that in real life and not through a screen one day.

When he returns to the table, Ushijima has a tea for himself as well as some type of large and extravagant pastry. Two forks get set on a napkin next to it. 

“I thought that we may share this,” Ushijima informs Sakusa of his intention with this sugar monstrosity of pastry, cream, and fruit. 

“How is the V League?” Sakusa chooses to ask in lieu of responding about the pastry. He leans forward, eager to hear both about the experience of being a pro player and to hear it from Ushijima. 

Ushijima makes a sound of contemplation. “Good,” he says. “The team is strong and practice is challenging.”

“I want to join,” Sakusa mutters into his tea. 

“You will, soon,” Ushijima remains steadfast in his confidence in Sakusa. 

“After university,” Sakusa shrugs. He’s determined to play while attending school, though, but then after, Sakusa will be ready to go pro. 

“I’ll be waiting for you, whether on your team or as your opponent,” Ushijima replies. He picks up a fork and makes the first stab into the pastry, and Sakusa watches as he eats the forkful. Some cream lingers on the side of Ushijima’s mouth. Transfixed, Sakusa follows the path Ushijima’s tongue makes as it pokes out and licks up the stray cream. 

“Yeah,” Sakusa breathes out, distractedly. 

“How are you, Kiyoomi?” Ushijima asks. “It has been a long time.”

Sakusa gives another shrug. “Just school and volleyball.” Ushijima makes another of his low sounds of understanding. “What about you, Wakatoshi-kun?”

“I am happy to see you,” Ushijima says. 

It’s both endearing and infuriating when Ushijima says things like this to Sakusa because that’s his truthful answer. There are no questions about what Ushijima says because it’s how he feels. Ushijima saying that means that at this moment he’s happy because he’s with Sakusa, and that overwhelms Sakusa to hold such significance in someone else’s life—Ushijima’s life. 

Sakusa flounders to try and find something else to say. He sees the cute dog character on the coffee shop’s menu. “What do you think of dogs?” Seeing the unused spoon resting on the napkin that Ushijima put down, Sakusa grabs it and stabs it into the pastry to take a large bite. 

Ushijima watches with wide eyes as Sakusa eats before replying. “I like dogs. Do you want a dog?”

“Yes, no? Maybe. One day, I guess,” Sakusa speaks after swallowing. 

“We could have a dog together one day if you like,” Ushijima’s brow furrows as he thinks deeply about the prospect of their joint dog ownership, and that’s the breaking point for Sakusa. He isn’t ready for this right now. 

“Did you see the Brazil versus Germany game the other day?” Sakusa frantically asks trying to change the subject back to the safety of volleyball. 

One day, Sakusa will be able to broach the actual conversation between them about their relationship, unofficial as is, but that’s not today. Today, Sakusa watches Ushijima talk about volleyball with the spark in his eyes for the sport that Sakusa knows he shares. At some point, their hands twine on the table. Later, they kiss in the small alleyway next to the coffee shop. 

\---

Sakusa is a third-year, and Itachiyama will be going to the National Tournament. Sakusa who has always believed that they were a strong team believes this year more than any of the previous two will be the year that the team wins it all. 

The last time Sakusa saw Ushijima was a few months ago at their coffee shop date. They messaged each other fairly regularly, simple texts to see how the other was. And after all that, well, they still didn’t know what they were, and that was okay with Sakusa. He felt comfortable with Ushijima in a way he wasn’t with anyone else—even Komori who was arguably the one person Sakusa is the closest with other than Ushijima. There was just a major conversation that needed to happen between them that they’d just skipped together.

Two weeks before the National Tournament, Sakusa messages Ushijima about Itachiyama’s schedule for the matches. Ushijima had to let Sakusa down gently and say his schedule with the Adlers was too packed, and he didn’t think there would be time for him to come down to the stadium and watch any of the games in person. 

Sakusa couldn’t be mad at that.

Itachiyama won all of their games, and they’re finally here at the final match. All eyes are on center court, and Sakusa wishes one particular pair was somewhere out there in the stands looking down at him right now. That’s his last thought as he spikes the ball the setter tosses his way. Sakusa watches as it spins hard to the other side of the court and slams down right before the line. It’s in, and Sakusa scored the winning match point.

There is cheering and music playing from the school’s band. His teammates run to him and pull him into a group hug that he would absolutely hate in any other circumstance, except Sakusa turns his head and his breath catches.

At the side of the court, Ushijima stands with his arms crossed. He’s wearing his Adlers jacket with a plain black t-shirt underneath. Some of the lights from the stadium are shining down right where he stands, and they make his hair gleam. Sakusa catches his eye, and as they look at each other, Ushijima smiles. 

Sakusa smiles back.

They stand in line and bow to the other team, and then they stand in front of their cheering section and bow thanking everyone who came to support the Itachiyama Volleyball team in the stands. Ushijima has moved to a corner with some shadows covering him, but Sakusa still looks at him as he gives his bow. Komori notices this and gives a hard jab to Sakusa’s side with his elbow. Sakusa scowls with murder at his cousin. The award ceremony and everything that follows it goes by in a blur for Sakusa, but he remains as calm as possible so no one else has a chance to notice that he’s trying to run away as soon as he can from the team and chase down Ushijima.

When Sakusa finally finds Ushijima, he’s somehow been dragged into an interview. The idiot wore his league jacket, so of course, it ended up drawing attention. Sakusa creeps up to where they’re talking so he can listen in from a respectable distance.

“What brought you out to the High School National Tournament, Ushijima-san?” the reporter asks.

“I came to support a friend,” Ushijima answers.

“Oh, from Shiratorizawa?” the reporter presses.

“No, from Itachiyama.”

_That’s right,_ Sakusa thinks. _Ushijima is here for him—for Sakusa Kiyoomi._

Something at that moment makes Ushijima turn his head and see Sakusa standing there, watching him, and Ushijima perks up.

“Please excuse me, I see him, and I must go congratulate him,” Ushijima gives a small bow to the reporter, who looks a bit too in shock to say anything as the Adlers’ Wing Spiker walks away from them.

“Kiyoomi-kun,” Ushijima greets him with a smile. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you, Wakatoshi-kun,” Sakusa trembles to be in the other’s presence. It’s been so long. Sakusa feels himself already straining and bending to be even more in Ushijima’s presence somehow. He wants to be enfolded by the other man, but they can’t do that right now. Sakusa wonders if Ushijima wants to as well.

Through some miracle, the two manage to find a secluded part of the arena to get away from everyone, and Sakusa sends a begging message to Komori to cover for him somehow. He’s going to owe his cousin for this later, and Sakusa dreads whatever Komori will come up with. Worrying about the future retribution vanishes from Sakusa’s mind, though, as soon as he faces Ushijima. 

“May I?” Ushijima asks, his hand hovering close to Sakusa’s.

“Yes.”

Ushijima takes Sakusa’s hand in his. The skin is rough from spiking volleyballs and other endless training, but it’s warm and comforting. Sakusa likes to be touched by Ushijima; Sakusa doesn’t mind being touched by Ushijima. 

“I’m proud of you,” Ushijima tells Sakusa, running his thumb gently across the back of Sakusa’s hand. The combination of the soft touch and Ushijima’s unwavering gaze causes Sakusa to feel heat crawling up his spine and resting on his cheeks in a blush. They’re still close to the same height. Sakusa can’t look anywhere else but ahead at Ushijima. “You’ve come so far.”

Sakusa frowns. “What do you mean?”

“You won Nationals,” Ushijima simply states. “It’s been an honor to watch you grow as a player.”

“What about you?” Sakusa bristles, firing back at Ushijima. “You’re a professional now!”

“And you won’t be far behind,” Ushijima says it like it’s already a fact with no room for argument. Sakusa wishes the man wouldn’t have so much confidence in his abilities because it makes Sakusa a little weak in the knees to hear. 

“Can we stop with this and just agree that we’re both good at volleyball?” Sakusa tries to pull out of Ushijima’s plan of attack with compliments.

“I think we’re more than just good,” Ushijima replies, and though his face doesn’t show it, Sakusa knows that it’s a small joke due to the minute way the corner of Ushijima’s mouth twitches.

“You’re the worst,” Sakusa rolls his eyes.

“I’m sorry to upset you.”

“You never could.”

There’s a beat of silence.

“Kiyoomi-kun, I have a question I’ve been meaning to ask you.”

“Say it.”

“Would you like to be in a relationship?”

Sakusa’s heart soars, and he laughs. 

\---

The first time Sakusa finds himself in bed with Ushijima coincides with the first time the two of them play an official game against each other since middle school. Itachiyama and Shiratorizawa always managed to miss playing against each other at tournaments, but during the Kurowashiki All-Japan Volleyball Tournament, Sakusa’s college team faces Schweiden. 

There’s something electric crackling through Sakusa’s fingers as he looks at Ushijima across the net. It’s been months since they’ve seen each other—another one of the small dates at coffee shops that become their tradition, which always ends in a short but indulgent kiss before they part ways. It may not be a normal relationship, but it works for them. They’re both happy—and it’s not something that Sakusa assumes about Ushijima, he said it himself.

“I’m very happy with you, Kiyoomi,” Ushijima whispered against his lips during that last meeting. 

And Sakusa is happy, too. Incredibly. There’s no one else, Sakusa knows, that will light up every nerve ending in his body with a brush of the hand or a sideways glance like Ushijima.

When Sakusa’s team loses to the Adlers, well, that’s okay, because instead of joining their teams for after-parties and celebrations, they both very unsubtly retreat together, their hands eventually finding each other to twine pinkies before Ushijima shifts to fully hold Sakusa’s hand. Next time, though, Sakusa will beat him. He tells Ushijima as much as they walk to Sakusa’s apartment.

“I look forward to it,” Ushijima says with a smirk. Sakusa wants to kiss that face.

Later, as Sakusa finds himself pinned beneath a shirtless Ushijima—shirt only lost because Sakusa had clawed it off as soon as he got them on the bed in his apartment—he closes his eyes and tilts his head so Ushijima can trail kisses down Sakusa’s sensitive neck and bite gently at the skin there. 

Eventually, Ushijima pushes into Sakusa, and they both cry out. One of Sakusa’s hands grips Ushijima’s bicep with such force it’s determined to be bruised later and the other hand clutches at the sheets. Ushijima’s hand finds Sakusa’s gripping the bedding and releases it so he can twine their fingers together. Something about the gesture makes Sakusa cry out again and scrunch his eyes shut harder. 

“Are you okay?” Ushijima whispers with concern.

“Yes,” Sakusa nods and forces his eyes open so that Ushijima can look him in the eyes and see, yes, he is very much alright.

“Okay,” Ushijima nods. “I’ll go slow,” and then he leaves a kiss on Sakusa’s forehead where the twin moles are. It reminds Sakusa of the time he kissed that very place when they were in high school at the All-Japan Youth Camp—their first kiss mere hours before that. It had been the taking-off point following the first time Sakusa saw Ushijima in middle school and the crush took root.

Ushijima whispering Sakusa’s name into his ear while inside him felt like a moment they had both been waiting for longer than either realized. 

The first time Ushijima tells Sakusa he loves him also happens to coincide with all of these events. When they’re lying in Sakusa’s bed together after cleaning up in the shower, still naked, Ushijima takes Sakusa’s hand and simply tells him.

“I love you, Kiyoomi.”

“I love you, too,” Sakusa replies automatically, no hesitation because it’s a fact. “I fell in love with you when I was 13.”

“I wish I had known,” Ushijima plays with Sakusa’s fingers. “I wish I could say I have loved you as long.”

“I don’t care,” Sakusa shakes his head while lifting up to swing a leg over Ushijima so he can straddle him. “You love me now, have been loving me for years, right?” Ushijima nods. “You’re all I need.”

Ushijima pulls Sakusa down into a kiss.

\---

Sakusa walks onto the court with Ushijima. They’re both wearing red, the Japanese flag on their chests, with teammates they’ve known for years—usually on the opposite side of the court. There are two rings on two chains sitting in two lockers next to each other behind them. Games are the only time Sakusa and Ushijima take them off. The bruise bitten lovingly into Sakusa’s thigh briefly aches as he walks, considerately placed so shorts would hide it by Ushijima last night while he was trying to work out excess energy that the Olympics had settled within him. 

They’re going to win this game, Sakusa knows, and the next and the next until they win gold. If they don’t win gold this time, the next Olympics they will. And after all of this, Sakusa will return to the home he shares with Ushijima that’s neatly organized and has a closet with half MSBY jerseys and half Schweiden jerseys. There’s a letter from Poland weighing in the back of both of their minds, but they’ll get to that eventually. 

Sakusa Kiyoomi loves Ushijima Wakatoshi, and much to a 13-year-old Sakusa’s wonder, Ushijima loves him back. Endlessly.

“We’re going to win,” Ushijima states as they take their positions on the court, and Ushijima is serving first.

Of course they are.

**Author's Note:**

> every day around midnight i tweet about how much i love ushisaku: [twitter](https://twitter.com/pushclouds)


End file.
